Retreat

There are moments in your life where you realize you are alone.  Those moments scare the shit out of me.  I can't decide if I'm more scared about the problems I'm dealing with, or the fact that I'm facing it alone.  The actual outcome or decision is yours to make, and yours alone.  Weighing your options puts pressure on your chest.  Your breathing becomes heavy, and your head wanders.  How do you come to a conclusion when all you can think about is how the pit of your stomach aches?

It makes it worse when you are not understood by others.  Taken the wrong way; assumed to be the way you are.  It hurts much more when those close to you turn their backs or are found gossiping behind your back just when you need them the most.  I retreat.

Part of me would like to call them out.  Defend myself, knowing I've done nothing wrong.  Be open and honest and tell it like it is.  But the other part of me hides.  I want to run away and pretend I don't feel this way.  Pretend that I haven't been hurt.  Does that make me fake?  or does it make me the bigger person?  bound for more pain?

Either way I can't think of anything other than how awkward I feel in my own body.  How uncomfortable I am at all times.  How I can't think of one person I could talk to that wouldn't be annoyed, that would understand, and that would just be a good friend... that wouldn't turn around and gossip or complain.

So when people ask me if I'm excited for school, excited to move, excited to begin an adventure?  the answer is no.  It's pretty heavy to feel completely alone, and that you can't turn to anyone for support.  But, also yes, because I will no longer be surrounded by bullshit, fakeness, and frustrations.  Distance is most likely a temporary solution, but then eventually, maybe I won't be the only one searching for an answer, a permanent fix.