Retreat

There are moments in your life where you realize you are alone.  Those moments scare the shit out of me.  I can't decide if I'm more scared about the problems I'm dealing with, or the fact that I'm facing it alone.  The actual outcome or decision is yours to make, and yours alone.  Weighing your options puts pressure on your chest.  Your breathing becomes heavy, and your head wanders.  How do you come to a conclusion when all you can think about is how the pit of your stomach aches?

It makes it worse when you are not understood by others.  Taken the wrong way; assumed to be the way you are.  It hurts much more when those close to you turn their backs or are found gossiping behind your back just when you need them the most.  I retreat.

Part of me would like to call them out.  Defend myself, knowing I've done nothing wrong.  Be open and honest and tell it like it is.  But the other part of me hides.  I want to run away and pretend I don't feel this way.  Pretend that I haven't been hurt.  Does that make me fake?  or does it make me the bigger person?  bound for more pain?

Either way I can't think of anything other than how awkward I feel in my own body.  How uncomfortable I am at all times.  How I can't think of one person I could talk to that wouldn't be annoyed, that would understand, and that would just be a good friend... that wouldn't turn around and gossip or complain.

So when people ask me if I'm excited for school, excited to move, excited to begin an adventure?  the answer is no.  It's pretty heavy to feel completely alone, and that you can't turn to anyone for support.  But, also yes, because I will no longer be surrounded by bullshit, fakeness, and frustrations.  Distance is most likely a temporary solution, but then eventually, maybe I won't be the only one searching for an answer, a permanent fix.

My mind filled with wonder, my heart with fright...

Why is it that I resort back to that place?
The one I thought I was past, moved on from?
It's quite a reality that I will always have a part of me that wonders, "what if?"
However, I know that I'm okay with the outcome. I just don't understand, why sometimes my mind wanders, it strays. It goes from what it knows, into the depths of it's very own and pulls from everything I thought it had stored away for good. It hurts a bit. Not sure if the past hurts, or if the fact that my mind does this to me that hurts? I think the latter. However, there are times when I need to take a deep breath in and realize that today is my reality, this is, this very moment. This is what counts, this is what matters, and this is what is.

A voyagers' thoughts

I sit quietly
Quiet with my own thoughts
rolling like waves through my mind
toppling over any other entity in the water
taking over
taking over anything that I once knew
things I thought I wanted, needed
bringing me to new depths
uncharted territory
something new to map
to seek out
to venture into
creating a ripple effect
and crashing down
full of energy and never stopping
reaching as high as the night sky
and swallowing me whole

If you need time away
I won't ask you to stay
I don't want to lose you...

Love is crazy
pretty baby
take it real slow
my feelings show

The waiting is the hardest part, you take it to faith, you take it to heart...

I feel like all I've done the past year is wait.

Wait for my job to lead towards my career

Wait for my family to understand me

Wait for you to find me

Wait for my friends to step up

Wait for my heart to mend

Wait for my mind to quit being my worst enemy

Wait for my heart to slow down

Wait for butterflies in my stomach

Wait to catch my breath

Wait for you

Wait.

Most of these things I cannot control. Most things just are. It's hard to wrap your head around things you have no effect over, even though they effect you.

I'm trying hard to change the things I can, and moving on from those I can't.

There are still many things that boggle my mind. Like someone I care about can be so distant and dishonest. Not only with me, but with themselves and others. I'm starting to go to that place that I hate, the place of no trust and no respect. I don't want to feel this way, and I'm working hard on moving past these things, but it's proving to be more difficult than I anticipated. I'm not sure if you call this being the bigger person, or if I'm taking the higher road, but whatever it is, it's hard. Hard to let the little things go, hard to know there are lies and not bring them up, hard to look them in the face and try your hardest to be a good friend.

I guess this is the stuff that they say makes us stronger, makes us wiser. I guess in the end, I'll know if that's true. If someday I can look back on this and know the true value of it all.

Until then, deep breaths are my only consistency. A peaceful night my hideaway.

I cannot wait for these things, and I cannot wait for you to truly come around. You do you, and I'll do me, and in the end, we'll see.

I came here to type out my thoughts... and I got nothing.

I can't do it.
I see it there, right in front of me but for some reason I am unable
I see those 5 letters starring me in the face.
I can't hit send.
I can't hit clear.
Why?
Why can't I just call you? Why can I not just tell you how much it hurts?




There are moments where I close my eyes and picture you. You and me.
I feel you move my hair out of my face.
I feel your hand slowly slide down my cheek.
My heart beats faster
Your breathing gets deeper
I feel the warmth of your breath get closer
The softness of your kiss absorbs me and I am lost.